There are millions of books in the world. I come from a mathematical background, having studied it in university, so I know that statistically, there must be works of written “art” out there that are, simply put, horrible. I’m writing about this because it’s something that I preach to both myself and anyone out there who thinks they’re not good enough to write a novel – if these people can do it and sell their art, you definitely can.

Impostor syndrome is a phenomenon I’m sure many of you have heard about – the feeling that you don’t belong where you are, that you’re not good enough or smart enough to be there. Writers, like myself, can feel like this a lot, especially when they re-read their work and think to themselves “wow, this is hot garbage.” The thing is, impostor syndrome typically only occurs to the people who are qualified to be in their position. People who aren’t qualified experience something different, usually – The Dunning-Kruger Effect, which is the polar opposite. Their confidence has them believe they’re experts in a field where they absolutely aren’t.

This applies to all forms of art, mind you. In painting, we have people like Van Gogh and Da Vinci who were paragons in the field, and then you’ve got the people who grab a can of paint and splatter it all over a canvas and then sell it for $10000 because it’s a “representation of their state of mind,” or something of the sort. Now, I’m not here to say that effort = quality, or that nobody likes these paintings, I’m simply pointing out a drastic difference in the actual artworks.

In writing, you have people like Tolkien, or Shakespeare (if we’re counting screenplays). We have Mary Shelley, George Orwell and Frank Herbert. All of these writers have delivered unto the world something that is a true piece of art, something that is not just a great story, but excellent writing as well.

Then, you’ve got people like E. L. James. Now, I only single her out because she, perhaps, is the most high-profile writer I can think of who has written something that is… drastically sub-par. 50 Shades of Grey is possibly the worst book I have had the displeasure of knowing about.

Now, people might disagree with me. This is an opinion that I have, and I’m not requesting that everyone agrees with me. The book is very popular, and I’m not disputing that. However, I’d like to talk for a bit about how this book is written, and the way it reads as if you’re skimming a 16 year old’s fanfiction page on Wattpad or Tumblr.

There are a number of factors that improve the quality of a book’s writing, and they’re mostly attributed to how well the reader can engage with the book, and how effective and succinct it is at conveying the story. Put simply, the reader should be able to go through the book without a single moment of “hey, hold on, what’s the deal here?”

Let me post here a quote from 50 Shades:

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified.

There’s a lot to unpack, even in this single passage. For starters, the way information is conveyed is inconsistent. The italicised parts of the text are meant to be the main character, Anastasia’s, thoughts. However, the book is written in first person, and that creates gaps in consistency where she will be ‘thinking’ something, but halfway through the thought, the italicisation stops. “Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot.” Why italicise the first part and not the second?

Secondly, and I have omitted the next part of the passage to prevent my analysis from getting too long, there seem to be only two different ways to express emotion: either having your mouth drop open or breathing deeply. You’ll have to take my word for this one, but in the space of one page (which includes the passage), someone’s mouth drops open three different times.

Thirdly, and lastly, because this is already getting long and past the original point, but the dialogue is… bad. Not in my opinion, bad, but objectively bad. How do I know this?

Have you ever heard anybody talk like that? Anastasia, perhaps. But the other character, Christian, is apparently a pre-programmed robot. It reads like someone who has never met a man is trying to write what a man would be like.

I could go on, but by now I think you get the point. If you’re an aspiring writer, and you see that a novel like this has earned millions of dollars, and even had a movie made from it, you shouldn’t be thinking about how you could never get to that point.

You should be thinking wow, if this could make it all the way, then there’s no way mine couldn’t.