CONTENT WARNING

The following story contains depictions of suicide and self-harm.

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“Alright. Goodnight, all. I’ll be back…” 

I trail off, looking down at the corner to my viewer count. 

Zero people watching. 

“… tomorrow.” I clench my jaw, breathing out slowly through my nose, and click the “end stream” button. I slam my fist down onto the table, knocking an empty can of coke onto the ground, a few drops spilling onto the carpet. Groaning, I lay my head on the table, the pile of unpaid credit card bills and rent statements towering right next to my face. How is it that a stack of paper be so imposing? 

I pick myself up off the table after a little, shoving my hand into my pocket and pulling my phone out. I stare at it in my hand, praying for at least one notification after eight hours of leaving it alone. 

I click the home button, and my heart leaps. 

There are two notifications. 

The smile on my face fades quicker than it appeared when I read them, however. 

One is just an update from Apple news about some story in some country that I don’t care about. 

The other is a text from my landlord. 

Reece, this is the third month in a row you haven’t paid rent. I’m done waiting for you to get a job. Either you somehow pay all three months’ rent in the next week, or you pack your shit and leave by Monday. 

I just stare at the message. My eye twitches. I start to type back. 

i swear just give me another month my streams gona kick off i promise dude 

Almost instantly, he starts to type back. I wait, watching that speech bubble in our chat move as he types. The message finally comes through. 

It’s been ‘kicking off’ for two years. You’re lucky you had enough savings to last you for this long. I told you that you need a job. 

come on nelson were bros jus trust me 

You know I need to pay bills too, yeah? Without your rent, I can’t pay my mortgage. I’m behind on payments because of you. 

I grind my teeth together, scowling at the phone. 

not my fault u bought this apartment n didnt just rent like a normal person in this econ 

It’s also not my fault you refuse to get a real job, dickhead. 

this is a real job 

Reece, you’re another generic gaming streamer in an ocean of the exact same person, doing the exact same thing. It’s a pipe dream. So, either pay the rent, or get out. 

“Fuck you!” I shout, throwing my phone against the wall. I hear the glass crack, and it lands on the carpet, the screen completely shattered. I tangle my hands in my hair, pulling on it so hard I almost tear it off my scalp. “Fuck!” 

I stand there, my heart racing, my breaths coming in hard and heavy. I turn to a stack of opened Amazon packages piled high in the corner, and the box cutter sitting on the very top. I walk over to it, grabbing the knife and sitting back down at my desk. I slide the blade up and examine it. 

It looks kinda dull. 

I poke the blade with my finger. 

“Ah, fuck!” I shout, pulling my hand away. The blade’s made a small gash on my fingertip. I suck on it, sliding the blade up and down with my free hand. 

I suppose I was wrong. 

Once the pain in my fingertip subsided, I turn my attention back to the knife, and then to Google. I start to type. 

where do i cut myself to die least painful way 

The first result is the national suicide hotline. 

“Dude, fuck off.” I roll my eyes, scrolling down past all the ‘help is available’ entries to try and find something useful. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that an icon in the taskbar is blinking. 

It’s my streaming software. 

Frowning, I tab onto it. There’s a chat message from some guy named ‘xSupaHitla’. 

lol bro wants to unalive himself 

My eyes widen, looking down to the ‘start stream’ button. 

It still says ‘end stream.’ 

I misclicked. My stream is still running. 

I fumble with my cursor, about to click it and make sure the stream is off, when my eyes skim over my viewer count. 

Six. 

There are six people watching. 

My hand freezes, the cursor still over the ‘end stream’ button, but I don’t click it. 

“Um, no I don’t wanna kill myself,” I mutter. 

lol coward 

“I’m not a coward!” 

ill tip 100 if u cut ur hand 

This time, it was a different person typing. My heart started beating like crazy. 

“How do I know you’re not lying?” 

The notification bell sounded from my speakers. He’d just donated fifty dollars to my stream. 

I looked down at the knife and swallowed hard. There were eleven people watching now. I raised it to my other hand, and without thinking about it too hard, I slice it across my palm. 

“Fuck!” I shout, dropping the knife and holding my hand tightly. Blood oozed down my palm, dripping into the carpet, and the notification bell sounded again. 

Another fifty dollars. 

Thirty people were watching now. 

I grit my teeth, grabbing a few tissues and holding them against my palm to stop the bleeding, my hands covered in red. I take another look at the chat. 

It was exploding. 

bro cut deeper next time 

200 to burn ur dick with a lighter 

stab yourself in the leg hahaha 

Forty-three viewers now. I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face, even through the pain in my hand. 

A notification sounded again. My eyes widened as I saw how much it was. 

Five hundred dollars. It came with a message. 

9.5k more if you cut off a finger. 

The entire chat was spamming for me to do it. I looked up at the viewer count one more time. 

Seventy-one people, all watching me. Me! 

I looked down at my hand. All my fingers. And I didn’t even think twice. 

Which one did I need the least?